The ABC of AVB

So farewell, the Andre Villas-Boas.

The ABC of AVB

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March 5th, 2012

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So farewell, the Andre Villas-Boas. During your short Chelsea reign you managed to confuse the players, as much as the fans, as much as the media.

Whether the product of poor translation from the Portuguese, or just too many human resources management bibles, you spouted a torrent of made up words that produced wrinkled brows all over the world of football.

Present for his final press conferences in football’s most volatile job, I found on the inside back cover of a 96-page tactical dossier, and scrawled in green ink, this: the ABC of AVB.

High line – crazy defending. Hallmarks include clown cars, spinning bow ties, lapel daffodils that squirt water. Usually results in lots of goals against.

Low medium-block – crazy defending, masquerading under a buzzword conceived by a bank manager. Usually results in lots of goals against, but gives the opportunity to nod sagely about the deficit while stroking one’s beard.

Collective effort – a theoretical concept involving all the players on the pitch attempting to play together to win a game. Seldom happened.

Interrelationship – what was supposed to happen after collective effort.

Goal efficiency – what Fernando doesn’t have.

Retributed – done.

Perspectivate – to think.

Emotional intensity – to think hard.

Acculture – to get used to thinking hard.

Solidificate – to think hard about something that is hard.

Efficate – what happens when my players have managed to solidificate. Sometimes spelled with a silent ‘d’ at the beginning.

Criterious – being in possession of the things one needs to achieve a desired end (as in: ‘Ashley – you must be criterious with that air gun and the work experience student’.)

Organigram – possibly a sex toy (as in: ‘Ashley – you must be criterious with that orginigram and the work experience student’.)

Tranquility – that beard-stroking moment of emotional intensity, while crouched in the technical area.

Adaptation – being accultured and incentivated to turn a low medium-block into goal efficiency.

Incentivate – the 14 million reasons I will walk away from Chelsea without spouting any more of these made up words about how little collective effort there was during my Stamford Bridge days.

Words by Dan Levene

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