Chelsea’s Blues on Deadline Day

How we all laughed at those Owen to Chelsea rumours. The Blues seemingly now content to stick this coming season with just Fernando Torres up front.

Chelsea’s Blues on Deadline Day

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Andy

August 21st, 2012

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The big clock is ticking in the corner of the screen: each second counting down with a <thunk> <thunk>.

“HI, I’m Jim White, and welcome to Sky Sports News DEADLINE DAY COUNTDOWN!”

2.01pm: <thunk> <thunk> “Today we will be following all of the big moves, as clubs look to fit the final pieces into their squad jigsaws. And first up: some news from Frodsham in Cheshire, where a man looking like Chelsea Chairman Bruce Buck has been seen having a capuccino with Michael Owen’s sister in a pub…”

3.39pm: <thunk> <thunk> “… so, how we all laughed at those Owen to Chelsea rumours. The Blues seemingly now content to stick this coming season with just Fernando Torres up front.”

4.12pm: <thunk> <thunk> “Now to a car park in Dagenham, where a man in a Land Rover is just winding down his window…”

“Awight Jim, it’s Harry Redknapp here.”

“Great to hear from you Harry. What’s the news?”

“Well Jim, I’ve just been to Kwik Fit and got some new tyres…”

5.57pm: <thunk> <thunk> “So, it is confirmed then: Arsenal have just sold their EIGHTH first team player of the day. Arsene Wenger is, we’re told, in the advanced stages of negotiating a deal for an orphanage team in Mombasa, Kenya. The transfer fee understood to be literally TENS of pounds.”

8.45pm: <thunk> <thunk> “A quick word with Chris Kamara, who is in Monaco for the UEFA Super Cup, featuring Chelsea and Atletico Madrid. Anything to report, Kammy?”

“Eh.. Oh.. Is this thing live…?”

“Some technical problems there in Monaco. Now some HUGE news on a potential deal involving Fisher Athletic and Southend United…”

10.50pm: <thunk> <thunk> “Andre Villas-Boas live now from White Hart Lane, where he is shaking hands on a deal for Raul Meireles. Hi Andre, it’s Jim White. What does this deal mean for Spurs?”

“Hi Colin. It is to perspectivicate the criterious organigram of tranquility within the squad.”

“Err, thanks Andre…”

11.01pm: <thunk> <thunk> “And that’s it. The window has closed. There were talks of big deals, but in the end nothing really came off. Now let’s go over to Chris Kamara, who has been watching the UEFA Super Cup in Monaco.”

“Is this think working? Oh, bloody… Oh hi Jim. Well, its been a steamy evening here, but in the end things didn’t quite… Hang on a minute. What’s this? Chelsea Chief Executive Ron Gourlay appears to be heading for the centre spot at the Stade Louis II. And he is being followed by a man who looks JUST like Edinson Cavani. This is UNBELIEVABLE!” <THUNK>

ENDS

 

Words by Dan Levene.

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