19th May 2012: it could all have been so different…

Winning the game could have seen them pocket an extra £10m in UEFA prize money and bonuses. Plus they will lose £20m from failing to qualify for the 2012-13 Champions League.

19th May 2012: it could all have been so different…

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July 27th, 2012

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Munich, 19th May. Didier Drogba has just missed his penalty. Daniel van Buyten scores from the spot, and Fernando Torres strikes his kick off the bar. Bayern Munich are Champions of Europe.

Chelsea, never expected to win the win the game as outsiders in Bayern’s back yard, return to London to find the typical English welcome for gallant losers. But trouble is brewing.

Winning the game could have seen them pocket an extra £10m in UEFA prize money and bonuses. Plus they will lose £20m from failing to qualify for the 2012-13 Champions League.

There are unconfirmed reports of sponsorship deals, worth £40m, scuppered by the lack of prime-time TV exposure.

Cobham, 26th May. Roberto Di Matteo is sacked as Chelsea coach. He and assistant manager Eddie Newton are later linked with West Brom but, in a surprise move, are unveiled in late June as Tottenham’s new coaching team. Di Matteo says: “I hope my experience will help Spurs win the Champions League.”

Brussels, 28th May. Chelsea target Eden Hazard tweets: ‘United forever’. Three days later he is paraded at Old Trafford by Sir Alex Ferguson, who describes his £32m fee as ‘a bargain’. Hazard’s younger brother Thorgan is later signed by United, and immediately loaned to Hull City.

Abidjan, 30th May. Didier Drogba announces through his charitable foundation that he is in talks with Paris St Germain. “My career will not be complete if I do not win the Champions League,” he says.

Lviv, 9th June. Chelsea Chairman Bruce Buck is pictured chatting over coffee with Joachim Low. The German FA later releases a statement saying that they have extended the national team manager’s contract by four years.

Kharkiv, 17th June. Mr Buck is shown by TV cameras sitting beside former Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas in the crowd for Portugal v Holland.

Washington: 23rd June. Having been transfer-listed by Chelsea, Frank Lampard is reported to be in advanced contract talks with DC United.

Porto, 2nd July. Roman Abramovich’s yacht docks in Porto for what the tabloids describe as ‘clear the air talks with AVB’. Chelsea have so far made approaches to seven other managers, including David Moyes, Alan Pardew and Alan Curbishley.

Isleworth, 5th July. Sky TV announce fixture changes up to the end of November. Of 14 games, Chelsea will play six on Sundays owing to Europa League commitments, and four on Monday evenings.

London, 9th July. Chelsea announce return of ‘misunderstood’ manager Andre Villas-Boas. In a Stamford Bridge press conference, the Portuguese coach says: “My project will be completed my way. This is why I have made Raul Meireles my joint captain.” Chelsea also announce a two year extension to Jose Bosingwa’s contract.

Rio de Janeiro, 25th July. Creative midfielder Oscar is pictured on the beach in a Manchester City shirt. Four days later, in a press conference at Carrington, he sits beside Roberto Mancini and says in broken English: “I am please to sign for Chelsea.” He later corrects this to ‘Man Sit’.

Braga, 27th July: Villas-Boas meets with Porto utility midfielder Paulo Jorge. He is later signed by Chelsea on a free transfer – their only signing of he summer (though there are later arguments about whether he is actually on loan). Villas-Boas says the signing ‘will incentivate the productification of footballing integrity in a Europa sphere’.

Written by Dan Levene.

10 Responses

Posted by Deborah Edwards on

Made me laugh…. Nervously…. in the way that you know it’s a very fine line between reality and fiction!
Thank god Drogba scored.

Posted by Henrie on

Lol! Scary! Very scary! I don’t want to imagine not winning the CL. 🙂

Posted by @salihubala on

Hahahahaha. Good thing it was the other way. Good writting

Posted by TundeLecturer on

LOL. Thank God this won’t happen. KTBFFH & up the Chels

Posted by ben on

hehe, impressive

Posted by Elias Ukorobo on

Very constructive but thank God it never happened this way.

Posted by kay on

Worst thing is bosingwa signing an extra 2 year contract!

Posted by mims on

Great article, to come to think of it, not many of us wud hve survived Champs league loss that night, and europa league was gonna remind us of the heart breaks every single time. Thank God we won:)

Posted by Sadiq Sabo on

Nice and very likely accurate article. We chelsea fans would have all been doomed. Blues 4 life!

Posted by JCX on

thank god we won….

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