Ten things we hate about modern football
Football is great, but modern football is a bit rubbish. There are lots of things that wind us up about the modern game – here are just ten.
August 6th, 2012
Goal music is without doubt the biggest scourge on modern football. If FootballScores.com had its way, the playing of any form of music to celebrate a goal would be punished with an immediate 50 point deduction – per offence.
Presumably this “fad” came about because somebody at a football club once watched a rugby league game (explaining why Wigan Athletic are amongst the worst offenders), but we can’t understand why anybody thought that the euphoria of celebrating a crucial goal should be accompanied by Tom Hark, Samba de Janeiro or James Brown. Ban it and ban it now.
All Seater Stadiums
Without getting into “that” debate, we don’t like all-seater stadia. They’re stale, corporate environments and they cost a fortune to get into. Nothing matches the atmosphere of a packed terrace – and the Germans agree. That’s why all grounds in the Bundesliga are required to have a standing area. Premier League, take note. With stadium design coming a long way since the 80s, do we really still need to have a man in an orange jacket insist that we “sit down”.
It’s not enough that you pay £40 to sit in said all-seater stadium. You now have to be subjected to an hour and a half of flashing lights demanding that you order a beer, visit an internet bookie on your phone, buy an Audi and book a flight to Asia. All you ever wanted to do was watch a football match.
After putting on various talent shows, terrible soap operas and questionable dramas, ITV got it into their heads that they could also manage televised football. Well, they can’t.
Please ITV, stick to dancing dogs and signing check-out girls – the stuff you do best.
“And now it’s off the Chris at Valley Parade… I mean the Coral Windows Stadium…. Or was it the Pulse Stadium?… No, that was its name last week. Isn’t it the Intersonic Stadium now?… Whatever happened to Bradford & Bingley Stadium?…. Ah well, Chris has news of a goal that’s been scored somewhere in Bradford…”
Look up “pointless” in a dictionary and the phrase ‘International friendlies’ will be close by. The glut of players suffering from “niggling injuries” that week tells you just how seriously the players take these events, as does the constant use of substitutions. In the end, England labour to a victory against someone much further down the rankings, 70,000 people are relieved of £40 and nobody learns anything.
Sky Sports News
….KEN FINGER NAIL…. SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS TICKER… STOKE CONFIRM THAT ROBERT HUTH WILL PLAY AFTER RECOVERING FROM BRO….
If you want mundane press conferences, Opta stats on Barry Bannan’s pass completion rate and Jim White, Sky Sports News is the channel for you.
Autobiographies by 21-year-olds
Literary genius Joey Barton described the writing of autobiographies by some of his then England teammates as “bull excrement” (or something to that effect). And he was right.
Autobiographies are supposed to be about your career as a leading sportsman, not your career as a foetus. Wait until the end of your career before shamefully cashing in with a book about how you failed to perform in an England shirt.
Radio / TV Phone-ins
If there’s one way to gather lots of idiots in one place, it’s a football phone-in.
I can never understand the thought process that occurs in a TV or radio production meeting when they decide to do a phone-in.
“Frank, shall we get a studio expert to come in and provide some thoughtful, reasoned anaylsis on the game?”
“Nah, let’s just get some irritating, ill-informed no-nothings on the show instead”.
“I don’t know Frank, I think we might need to get some fans to phone in as well, Tim Lovejoy can’t do the show by himself”
That fan that still can’t understand why you’re in League Two instead of the Champions League
Ever wondered who the irritating, ill-informed no-nothing who calls the phone-in is? Well, he’s the guy who’s invariably sat a few rows back from you, lecturing anyone who’ll listen just how good you actually are, how good this season will be and, how anyone with any sense of realism is “not a true supporter” unless they blindly agree with him.
And being in the relegation zone won’t ever change his mind.