Your Guide to Transfer Deadline Day

Today is the day that was seemingly invented for Sky Sports News; Transfer Deadline Day. Across the country, journalists will be standing outside training grounds, following tweets and listening to fans who, for some reason, all seem to have friends or relatives working in airports or luxury cab firms. Here’s how transfer deadline day will probably pan out.

Your Guide to Transfer Deadline Day

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August 31st, 2011

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7:00am: Before you head off to work, Sky Sports News runs through a list of deals that probably won’t go through before the deadline.

9:00am: You get to the office and just before you start doing what you’re supposed to be doing, you check out various football websites for rumours and tweets from people who have made something up just to try and get their tweet on the BBC website.

10:00am: Studio experts and Paul Merson are invited into the Sky Sports News studio to discuss players who Arsenal should probably buy, but won’t.

11:00am: The Sky Sports yellow ticker of news starts to flash! A deal is done! Reporters try to sound excited about Omar Daley getting his work permit for his move from Bradford to Motherwell.

Midday: Lunchtime at football clubs across the country. Nothing happens for the next hour.

1:00pm: Sky Sports News cut to a reporter in front of a giant touch screen TV to summarise everything that hasn’t happened so far. Make sure that reporter points to big bleeping clock that counts down to midnight. Check Joey Barton’s Twitter page for any developments.

2:00pm: Sky Sports News cuts to a reporter who has spent the morning looking through the tinted windows of luxury cars coming and going from a Premier League training ground. Reports back: “No sign of anyone yet Dan but there’s a long way to go!”

3:00pm: Cut to that reporter who is always stood outside St James’ Park. He’s joined by a cheery band of fans in the background that is also always stood outside St James’ Park during the middle of a weekday.

4:00pm: In an attempt to fill the time between now and Luka Modric not signing for Chelsea, Sky Sports News digs out some Opta stats on Modric’s pass completion rate and tries to make them exciting.

5:00pm: Time to get out of the office and rush home. You put on Radio Five, but Peter Allen just isn’t the same as David Bobin and Georgie Thompson.

6:00pm: Breaking News! Something happening at Chelsea! Over to the Sky Sports man on the ground:
“Exciting developments here Simon. Just moments ago, a DHL driver delivered a box that could have contained Luka Modric. Also, the registration number on his van had the numbers ‘one’ and ‘four’ in it. Modric wears number 14 at Spurs – coincidence?”

7:00pm: Coronation Street is on. No deals for the next half hour.

8:00pm: That’s it folks. Time to reel the big-guns out. Jim “Deadline Day” White starts his shift behind the Sky Sports News desk. Rumour has it that Jim hibernates in the same cupboard as the Blue Peter tortoise between transfer windows.


Midnight: That’s it! The transfer window is shut! No more deals – except those deals that always seem to go through at five minutes past midnight.

1:00am: An earth-shattering, mega-money deal goes through just as the window slams shut, with the delay being blamed on a broken fax machine. Fans go to bed wondering just who, apart from football clubs, still uses fax machines.

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